Funniest Jokes-By-Funniest-Stand Up Comedians - Live Videos Must Watch

♥ Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

♥ There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I will not stand for that.

♥ Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It is something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

♥ I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

♥ You know what your problem is, it is that you have not seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

♥ The doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

♥ Why is it we do not always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

♥ Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

♥ I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

♥ If a woman tells you she is twenty and looks sixteen, she is twelve. If she tells you she is twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.

♥ You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

♥ You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

♥ I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

♥ Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

♥ We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There is just one problem - it is in North Korea.

♥ We declared war on terror—it is not even a noun, so, good luck.

♥ Here is how bizarre the war is that we are in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany did not want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

♥ Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

♥ I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

♥ Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I do not need.

♥ They are talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that is used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna cannot even smoke in bed.

♥ Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

♥ Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

♥ There is very little advice in men’s magazines, because men do not think there is a lot they do not know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

♥ Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they are killing living creatures. Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

♥ Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there is your diamond in the rough.

♥ If you tell the truth about how you are feeling, it becomes funny.

♥ I am surprised Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.

♥ My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

♥ Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

♥ I am at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to.

♥ A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

♥ Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

♥ A recent police study found that you are much more likely to be shot by a fat cop if you run.

♥ The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dartboard.

♥ The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

♥ Here is something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

♥ The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This was not for any religious reasons. They could not find three wise men and a virgin.

♥ Now, there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you have met your New Year’s resolution?

♥ The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

                                                       MR. NICE ON HUBPAGES